Rate the ‘lates
This blog, number 20 in the series, will appeal to any of those reading with a sweet tooth! Back in 2021, during covid and facemasks, in-between rewatching all of Breaking Bad and nearly achieving a beard, I come up with a ‘Chocolate Challenge’, a carousel of consumption meets critique for every cacoa-based confectionary my corner shop sold: all 116 of them!
Once upon a Daim
The adventure started one Saturday morning, as I strolled to my newsagents for the weekend papers. As I laid them on the counter, the shop keeper scanned the barcode. “That’s £2.50 please”. I went to pay with my card, only to realise the £3 minimum spend… I needed to find something quickly to tip me over the 300 pence finish line.
With a queue quickly forming behind, I could feel eyes rolling! I scanned for anything in proximity, before the colours of the confectionery danced into my peripheral. “Bingo!”
I reached for the nearest chocolate bar, slamming it on the papers to complete the transaction and make my sweet getaway!
A delicious dilemma
As I quick-marched home, my mind’s cogs began to turn. “If I get a paper every Saturday, then I’ll be in the same predicament: no cash and a minimum spend!” The perfect challenge presented itself there… to try every single chocolate in that shop.
Mission accepted! I thought up a simple out of 10 scoring system:
Packaging – How snazzy was the wrapper? We’re talking colours, fonts and feels
Presentation – Unwrapped, was it a bog-standard bar, or delicious in design?
Palate – Were the tastebuds tormented or titillated!
Bourn to be wild
The first bar I grabbed that morning was one I’d never even heard of: the Cadbury Bournville. Packaged in a smart red wrapper with gold writing and boasting a royal warrant (recognising those who regularly supply goods or services to the royal household), my eyebrows raised. Impressive!
I peeled back the wrapping, the bar revealing itself as eight rows of three. Each cube with a diagonal line from corner to corner, with one half plain and the other marked with symmetrical lines similar to if you’d pulled a comb over sand. Unique!
As I took my first bite, I feared the worst. Dark chocolate up until now had always tasted how I imagined charcoal would! Surprising this one wasn’t bitter, borderline sweet, as it melted in the mouth. Success!
Final score: 16/30. The first review, already with its twists and turns! Not bad, but no curtsey from me.
Decks appeal
Week two saw us on more familiar territory, with a Cadbury Double Decker next in line! With its name inspired by double decker buses, and reflected in its outer; with orange and purple representing the two floors of the bar, combined with some interesting polka dots and a bold font. It scores a strong 7/10 for packaging.
Taste wise, the contrasting layers of soft chewy nougat and crispy rice pops, seem an odd mix, but the combo delivers… I give it another solid 7/10.
For presentation, this just looks like… well a bar of chocolate! Fresh off the generic conveyor belt, the only thing of note in appearance is its base filled with grid lines. Something common I’d discover in future bars. 4/10.
Final score: 18/30. This one can give me a lift any day of the week!
Choco lotto
Over the next two years, I’d make that same 200 step trip to the top of my road almost 100 times, every time picking up a bar or two next on the shelves. Countless cacao-based confectionaries consumed and calculated! With a spreadsheet full of data, including 29 x Nestle, 28 x Cadbury, and 26 x Mars… here were the ones of note from the 7,000+ grammes consumed!
Best overall and taste - Cadbury Dairy Milk Little Bar
The smallest bar left the biggest impression, with this offering from Cadbury weighing in at a puny 18g… half the size of most bars. However, the classic dairy milk flavour seduced my taste buds with a salivating 10 stars on taste! The purple foil packaging, gold logo and intricate glasses of milk hiding in design help score the outer a 9. Presentation also hits 9, with its bar one of the few sculpted in design; a glass of milk pouring a splash!Best packaging - Nestle KitKat Zebra
An outer this world experience (!), and the only one to hit a 10. This luscious limited edition was swimming in its own lane; with the wrapping boasting a zebra print to reflect its ‘Dark & White’ flavours, and even in theme with its marble looking bars within. Notably the highest-ranking animal too, with Mars’ Malteasers Bunny in 17th, Kinder’s Happy Hippo in 26th, and Nestle’s Lion Bar - anything but king of the jungle - in 81st!
Best presentation - Nestle Smarties Sharing Block
If the question was best looking bar? Then Smarties had the answer! Completely different from the other 100+ generic bars that fell under my gaze. Random squiggly lines dividing it into six equally peculiar looking chunks. The letters spelling ‘Smarties’ scattered across the bar, with actual smarties (regular and minis) hidden beneath the surface. Fun, colourful and a worthy 10!Worst taste - Fry’s Turkish Delight
Described as exotic essence boasting a distinctive taste! Yep, the distinctive taste of popery maybe. One of an acquired taste, it made my mouth wince with its foul floral flavours! The only 1/10 on taste (even with its cool electric pink wrapper).
So 29,219 calories later, as my chocolate conclusions commence; if I could end with some words of wisdom, it would be to swerve Green & Black’s Organic Almond at all costs. One of the few to come in a box, but perfect for burying this dull, dry, lifeless bar into the ground. Right, diet starts now!
WriteHereWriteNow is my freelance writing side adventure. Blog aside, I’m available for all your content missions. Feel free to get in touch!